Metaphors are not Heroes (And Similes know Exactly what this New Culture of 'Essential Wording' Worship Looks Like)

This Blog was written by the Metaphorical Concept of Light, On the 21st of May 2020

War was declared in January this year, when a small cluster of radical virus cells in the extremist group ‘coronavirus’ decided to assassinate a 61-year-old man in the Chinese city of Wuhan.

Following the murder, they enjoyed widespread media coverage, and were able to rapidly recruit new members, bolstering their efforts to become an international threat. In their homeland of China, they continued to wage war on civilians, even as the government deployed troops with spray guns and inhalation armour (or, ‘Masks’) to combat them.

Despite dismissive responses from countries like the United States and Britain, who were slow to react in the early stages of the war, believing this group to be no more worrying than the terrorist cells already active within their own countries (i.e. the radical Influenza), the group took over large portions of Europe. 

At long last, Britain acknowledged its need to join the global war effort: soldiers were told to prepare themselves (mentally, that is; the generals were still negotiating supply drops for essential troops, so no meaningful preparations could be made) for all-out war. The defensive campaign would require all troops to work extensively on the front line, relying on their pre-trained combat skills (despite the lack of intel on how to engage with the new Invisible Enemy) and good old-fashioned common sense, to push this invasion back to where it came from.

Even with their entire home country literally cheering for them, many fighters were unable to develop the strength of character or stubborn fortitude needed to survive on the battlefield. 

Generals continue to cheer.

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Speaking as an experienced metaphor myself, I believe the way figurative imagery is being abused in this crisis is unforgivable. As you see above, my colleague (the metaphor of Conflict) has been overworked recently, with greater demand for his rhetorical services now than he’s had since Nixon’s presidency.

My colleague’s conscription in the service of politicians the world over leaves him battling to retain a sense of meaning, and he’s not the only one. All of us figurative devices are in the same sinking boat, and we’re way out of our depth.

I, for one, am used to being under-appreciated. Historically, I’ve been associated with ‘the good guys’, and (ironically) am always ‘at war’ with my colleague Darkness. 

But there are more shades, more facets of my occupation than simply contrasting with Darth Vader, one of which has recently been brought to light: I can shine on things. People, events, and even pandemics can ‘shine a light’ on aspects of society.

Our Invisible Enemy the Coronavirus, while evading me itself, certainly has no problem with shining me into every nook and cranny of broken capitalist cave systems, or directing my bright beam towards the dark, web-strewn corners of conspiracy-promoting Facebook algorithms. Comrade Covid has acted as a revolutionary torch-bearer, illuminating all the entrenched inequality and systemic racism that would’ve otherwise been forever concealed in shadowy darkness, never to be exposed to the light of day.

If those in charge of managing my situation had done their homework, they’d have issued me with adequate protection long before now. I should not be forced to work in these appalling conditions; I should not be forced to risk losing my meaning every day as more and more journalists are coming to me for aid in an unforeseen scramble for appropriate language; I should not be a victim of the last few years of appalling language policy, with politicians’ nonchalant attitude towards the rights of similes (I.e. Letterbox, who is thinking of taking legal action against the current prime minister after his abuse of her in 2018).

I should not be ‘shining’ on any of these issues, because they were already occurring in broad daylight. It doesn’t take a lighthouse to discover where the shore is if you’re sailing on a cloudless day at twelve o’ clock in the afternoon, even if your ship is sinking, and everyone else is in it with you.

If those in power genuinely couldn’t see the dangerous wealth inequalities, the racial inequalities, the online epidemic of disinformation, the underappreciation of care workers, delivery drivers, supermarket workers and bus drivers (along with the rest of the now-essential ‘key workers’) that was being facilitated by their policies, it’s not because these issues were shrouded in shadow, untouched by the light of day. It’s because they weren’t looking.

Don’t turn 2020 into a graveyard for essential metaphors. Don’t let any more of your words die; make sure you remain vigilant, because language is being exploited everywhere, as we speak.

I say ‘vigilant’ there, because a close adjective friend of mine has been so badly misused that he is unsure whether his meaning will ever recover. Please, remain cautious everyone: don’t let any more words suffer the same fate as Alert.