We are going to have to sort this out. The plague of gender-bending perverts infiltrating our nation's bathrooms has gone on for too long. Women need protection. And I think the best way to provide that protection is to have national genitalia inspections by police officers.
It should go without saying that bathroom cleaners also have no gender, and should continue to be permitted free rein in all toilets. I know many bathroom cleaners personally, and they assure me that they are all sculpted in the same factories as Barbie and Ken dolls, and have a completely flat area of skin where other people have genitals. They urinate from their anuses, and are all entirely asexual.
You may at this point be wondering what my preoccupation is with other people's genitals. I assure you, I'm not the pervert here: it may seem counter-intuitive, but the best way to prevent the real (transgender, biological) perverts is by getting there first. We can prevent predation by carrying out mandatory penis and vagina checks, in controlled, safe environments.
Public toilets are places of constant danger for women. At the moment, the only deterrence for predators is the little icon next to the toilet door: a figure with a triangle for a body. Evil men see this sign, and know that they cannot enter, unless they, too, have a triangle body. Despite having no regard whatsoever for the legal ramifications of an actual assault, these men are highly sensitive to the possibility that they might be caught in the triangle-body room without themselves having a triangle body. Thus, these men acquire a dress for themselves, allowing them to pose as biologically triangular.
But however you might adorn the rest of the body, the penis prevails.
As feminists, we must be the first to declare that men are led and defined entirely by their penises, in the same way as women are strictly bound to the whims of their own vaginas. This assertion is the only way that we can ensure dangerous trans "women" never make it into (biological) women's bathrooms. Because some of these trans women are quite crafty: they have long hair, use hormone therapy to grow breasts, reduce the size of their adam's apple, soften and raise the pitch of their voices, wear makeup, and all manner of other things, and some of them are entirely indistinguishable from (biological) women. And on the other hand, some (biological) women have short hair, small or no breasts, deep voices, and lack the natural dainty feminine air of smooth grace. Some women might have the misfortune of breast cancer! and due to that misfortune, shave their heads, lose their breasts entirely, and look awfully (biologically) man-like. These women have just as much right to use the women's facilities as any other (biological, proudly and irrevocably biological) woman.
Therefore, in order to ensure with absolute certainty that we only ever permit (biological) women into triangle toilets, and (biological) men into urinal rooms, we've got to come up with a single quality by which to define all (biological) beings. Some have suggested chromosomes. While these are a viable option, think of how impractical it would be to have to get a DNA test every time you wanted to use the toilets - by the time the results showed up, you'd have relieved yourself already in the testing booth!
By far the most practical, and dignified, option, then, would be genital passports. Defining people entirely on their genitalia simplifies everything enough to allow us to build the most effective policing infrastructure, and thus to protect all women.
This hypothetical world would be very simple: let's say you want to use a public toilet, perhaps at a restaurant. You would simply walk up to the bathrooms, and the restaurant's designated bathroom border-guard would ask you to produce either your Penis or your Vagina Passport. They would then inspect this, and allow you entry to the correct (biological) bathroom. The process could be made even more efficient, as these security guards could then give you a bespoke stamp on the back of your hand, as if you were leaving a festival, to allow for easy re-entry into the bathroom.
"But I don't possess a genital passport!", you might be shouting. And you'd be correct - both for your assertion and your tone. For in this barbaric age, we have still not developed passports for such a pertinent purpose. This could be rectified very quickly; all we need is the political will.
Over the course of a few months, a Penis and Vagina Trans-exclusion Database (PVTD) could be established. This would include photographs of the genitals of every UK citizen. It would include (and, in fact, prioritise) the nation's children; the most vulnerable in our society should be first in line for protections from invasions of their privacy and their personal space. Any child old enough to be in school should have to get their genitalia put on record, to ensure they are safe from predators and paedophiles.
Police officers, who are all constitutionally incapable of any misconduct or abuse of power, would be the only people allowed to access this database. Public scrutiny around the database would be highly restricted, in the interests of keeping these images accessible only to serving police officers. It would be established by appointment: each household would receive a letter, and have to register every member of the household for their passport photo. They would then each nip into their local station, zip out of their trousers, and skip home, holding in their hand a token of their new safety. These could perhaps even be blue passports, in honour of our newfound freedom from the government overreach of the European Union. Or even blue for males and pink for females, if the woke mob will allow us to use such a 'regressive' and 'binary' colour scheme!
You might think that such an effort could not be managed too quickly, but we pulled a similar thing with COVID vaccinations - and this time, perhaps some genuine social good would result. It could possibly even be a drive-through service, like we did with the vaccines and with COVID testing, in purpose-built temporary tents: a straight-in, straight-out approach would work perfectly for genital photography.
Alas, I do fear that not everybody would be on-board with this policy. The aforementioned woke mob, who basically run the country, would try to invoke the ECHR, or some other legal nonsense, and the whole thing would shrivel up before it could even begin to penetrate society. Sometimes, you've just got to shake things up a bit, go hard, before self-doubt can settle in. Police would therefore have grounds to enter people's houses and photograph their genitals, if necessary - in the name of maximising freedom for all people.
In order to avoid fake penises, physical inspections would be permitted. Police would have specialist training in sussing out sophisticated strap-ons and surgical witchcraft, and would be able to tell a dong from a doorknob with a single squeeze.
Perhaps this all feels like a major drain on police resources. Well, it is... in the short term. But think of what world it will create! One in which police will no longer receive millions of calls daily about men donning dresses to attack women in toilet stalls; one in which children can go to the bathroom, safe in the knowledge that their genitals were already inspected in a safe environment, by a safe adult, and now the primary-school-toilet guardian will protect them from the main danger in their life - their transgender classmates. A world of law and order, where we can all feel comfortable, knowing that our friends and family have all got properly-categorised, legally-recognised sexual organs.
We would be free to live our lives, unmolested by our fellow (biological) man.
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